Resilience in Times of Chaos: A Cross-Atlantic Conversation on Grief, Growth, and Grace

Laura Gates
Oct 24
4 min read

In this profound episode of "Surrendering to the Signs," I reconnect with my dear friend Tesse Akpeki across the Atlantic to explore what resilience really means when life throws us the unthinkable, and how unexpected journeys can lead to healing we never knew we needed.

A Global Citizen's Journey

Tesse and I first met in a workshop over ten years ago, but we really connected during COVID when we were both working with leaders navigating unprecedented challenges and I was the first guest on her new podcast.

Since then, we've both faced the devastating loss of our siblings - I lost my sister Janice unexpectedly, and Tesse lost her brother Tony in a hit-and-run incident when he was delivering COVID tests. When Tesse joins me for this conversation, she's calling from a different place - literally and emotionally. She's just returned from Ghana, a trip that began as a work retreat that never happened but became something far more transformative.

"I call myself a global citizen," Tesse explains, "because different parts of me have been shaped by being in different countries." Born in London, raised in Northern Ireland from ages 4 to 10 in a children's home, then reuniting with her Nigerian parents - Tesse's identity has been forged across continents.

When Plans Fall Apart and Adventures Begin

The Ghana trip started as a leadership retreat that got cancelled. Instead of losing the investment, , Tesse made a pivotal decision: "I had to get over it and get with the program and say, 'Look, if I'm going to go to Ghana, I need to make the best out of it.' I began to see it as an adventure."

That shift in perspective - from seeing it as something that went wrong, to embracing it as an adventure - changed everything. "I took on the presence of an explorer, an adventurer, and started to breathe."

[Listen to the full conversation to hear about Tesse's extraordinary experiences in Ghana and how they connected her to parts of herself she'd lost touch with.]

Redefining Resilience

For Tesse, resilience isn't what it used to be. Before Tony's death, she'd built a network called the Wellbeing and Resilience Leadership Initiative during COVID lockdown. Ironically, this very network became her safety net when tragedy struck.

"You know when they say build a bridge that you may never cross? I did not know that I was going to cross that bridge, but when I spiraled into the darkness of loss and grief, there was a net to hold me."

Her definition of resilience has evolved thanks to that experience: "Resilience now is about being in the moment and seeing how that moment unfolds and what emerges and being with that. In that moment, you are forming a future."

This led to her new initiative: "Future Focused Wellbeing and Resilience." As she puts it, "The past has gone, you can't do anything about the past. The past is for reference, not for residence."

The Difference Between Grief and Trauma

One of the most powerful insights from our conversation comes when Tesse distinguishes between different types of grief: "Sudden death is traumatic. Not all grief is traumatic. The trauma in grief is what makes it complex."

She explains that anticipated grief - when someone dies from a long illness - allows for preparation. "But when someone's life has just ended suddenly, that is traumatic grief. There are different types of grief in different shapes, different forms, different modes."

This distinction helps explain why sudden, unexpected loss requires different healing approaches and timelines.

Creating Cultures of Compassion

Our conversation touches on something remarkable I experienced recently in a hospital - a culture so focused on patients and families that it felt like love in action. Tesse reflects on this: "It's impossible to shine a torch for someone else without it reflecting back to you. Those are the kinds of cultures that nurture the individuals as well."

This connects to the work we both do in organizations. As Tesse notes, "When you have cultures that are very hurtful, very exclusive, very toxic, it reflects back what is going on in their interactions and mindset."

Small Encounters, Big Impact

During her time in Ghana, Tesse noticed something profound about daily interactions. When she bumped into someone and said sorry, the response was simply "okay" - calm and peaceful. "In London, you bump into someone, you can get sworn at, even though you said sorry."

This observation leads us to discuss how small actions ripple outward: "I don't think we realize how these very small actions add up over time, both negatively and positively."

Tesse has started a practice of intentionally noticing positive encounters each day. "I was amazed at how many positive things happen in one day when I started noticing. The number of positive encounters was three times more than the ones that were not so great."

The Practice of Presence

What strikes me most about Tesse's journey is how she's learned to meet each moment as it comes. Whether dealing with sudden loss, cancelled plans, or daily interactions, she's developed what she calls "leadership presence" - being conscious and aware in the moment so we can shape what happens next.

"Every day I might not be able to do that," she says about her presence practice, "but I will try to be intentional every day. And if I didn't do it today, then if I live and it's tomorrow, I can try again."

Tesse's story reminds us that resilience isn't about bouncing back to where we were - it's about being present to what is and allowing that presence to shape what comes next. Whether we're facing sudden loss, global chaos, or simply the daily challenges of being human, our capacity to meet the moment with consciousness and compassion is what creates the future.

Listen to the full conversation to hear more about Tesse's transformative Ghana experience, her insights on building resilient cultures, and the practical tools she uses to stay present in times of uncertainty.

Find Tesse on LinkedIn as Tesse Akpeki and listen to her podcasts "Tesse Talks" and "Tesse Leads" on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube.